Busy Being Aloof

These past couple of weeks, I have felt blocked. I have had writer’s constipation. I didn’t know what to write, or even how to make the words come out the right way. There are so many words that exist in the world and yet, I couldn’t find the right words in the right order, to say exactly what I wanted to say. Is it logical to say that I’m scared of that? Does it make sense to say that I’m scared of not being understood, or being able to explain EXACTLY how I feel and EXACTLY what I mean? That’s a scary feeling. But then again, I think it’s fair to feel the way I feel at the moment. To be in this state of….aloofness.  A lot has been going on in my life and I feel at a loss on how to even begin to really write about it. Nothing sounds good. Nothing sounds blog worthy. I have ill grandparents and a relationship more or less rocky. Get a grip right? Yeah I know.  With that, I didn’t and still don’t know exactly know what to say. To feel distant from everything, and unable to get a good grasp on how I feel. The only word I can use to describe is: Aloof. Even with my aloofness, it’s not fair to me to not try. I don’t want to run away from writing because of my emotional chaos. I know that in times of chaos, on paper or rather on screen, that tsunami you thought you were dealing with is more like a small ripple. Pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, I will try to let my words flow…

It’s hard to see someone you love not doing well and still isn’t willing to change their lifestyle in order to get better. My grandparents’ health is failing, and yet they do nothing to better themselves. My maternal grandfather could have a heart attack any moment and not know it until its too late, due to his neuropathy caused by his out of wack diabetes. My paternal grandmother, also a diabetic, went into ketoacidosis because she wasn’t eating and wouldn’t take her insulin. She ended up falling in her home, and no one knew until 6 ours later. Partly, I’m angry. I’m angry at the fact that my grandfather and my grandmother aren’t willing to do better health wise. I’m angry that my uncles and aunts aren’t more willing to pull their weight. Im angry because my mom feels like it’s her burden to carry. I’m angry at myself because I have no solution. I don’t have advice or the answer to the problem. To feel all of that anger towards something that I can’t fix or change makes me feel incredibly lost and sad. Overwhelming emotions that I don’t feel equipped to deal with. It’s hard to see my mother run down because of the responsibilities weighing down on her, and me unable to help. How am I, a “Miss Fix It”, to deal with that? How am I supposed to be the pillar of strength when I don’t even feel strong enough to deal with my own emotions? I just want a firm grasp on what to do and how to deal with everything. Where the hell is my how to for dummies guide???

With the unfamiliar feeling of not being in control of my feelings, I feel totally and completely lost in my relationship with C.K. Nothing ever worth having is ever easy. I understand and believe in that cliché. But is it supposed to be this hard? I also believe wholeheartedly that I love and am in love with him. But as of late, we’ve been arguing more than loving. Little things he does, bothers me. It bothers me more than I think it should, but I just can’t let it go. And then who feels like an asshole? Me. I feel bad for getting irritated, and he get all mopey because he feels like a disappointment. Then, I try to make him feel better and discount my feelings because I don’t want him turning into a Sad Sam. So I suck up how I feel in order to ensure his feelings aren’t hurt. That’s not fair. It’s not fair that I feel like I have to be strong in dealing with my emotions because I don’t think the other person is strong enough to handle exactly how I feel, which brings me back to my fear of not being understood exactly how I feel, and not being able to explain exactly how I feel. Feeling lost in what to do, and no one really to turn to, we almost came to an end on Christmas Eve. What a way to start the holiday right? We are in tears, arguing, fighting to be heard, and trying to figure out what to do, we feel defeated. We both love each other beyond compare. We don’t know if there is a future with us, but we don’t want us to end. In the end, in an act of selfishness or selflessness, we are still together. We are selfishly selflessly holding onto each other because we know it would shatter us to not be together and we don’t want to go through and put the other through that pain. So, together we walk through the rain to find the sunshine. We hold out on hope that this is not the end for us.

I wish I knew the answers. I wish I had the perfect words to say that held the truth that everything will be ok. I don’t know what I am supposed to do, and that is a rarity. I am a problem solver. I always know what to do or how to do it. But in this circumstance, I don’t. But, someone with wise words told me, “Sometimes not knowing the answers, not knowing what to do, and what to say gives you a chance to find your way”. I know that not always will I be able to say EXACTLY how I feel and mean. But, I also know that I can’t be afraid to try. I won’t always have the answers. I won’t always know what to do, and that sometimes it’s ok to be in a state of aloofness. Pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, I let my words flow. I missed writing, and I am glad I chose to work through the chaos of my emotions. I’m not exactly free from my writers constipation, but I’ve had my mental Activia, so I think I’m getting back to regular. This post isn’t entirely for you, the reader. It’s more for me, the writer. This has been a therapeutic post for me. But hey, why not let a few people into my world to see the mess behind my done up face? Don’t mind me. I'm just busy being aloof. 

Until next time,

Jaxx

Big Girl In A Tiny Waist World

Look Ma!! I'm fashionable!! 

Being a big girl in a tiny waist world, it seems like there isn't a lot out there for a size 16 to fit into without looking like a sack of potatoes or a can of busted biscuits. Like that food analogy? Yeah, I thought you might.  I'm a girl that is besties with food, and is known to never turn away a good Italian meal. Damn you carbs. Although I have love for all things delicious, I'm on good terms with the gym. I embrace by curves, but value fitness. But what is out there for a girl my size, that is fashionable and doesn't cost me selling my soul or taking out a loan to pay for an extra yard of fabric? Calm down, don't think so hard, I can see your brain smoking. I know there aren't a lot of affordable places that caters to my fantabulous body of curves, and that's the price I pay for being in love with food. But, there is one thing in this wonderfully fashionable world that doesn't have a size limit. It's a one size fits all, made for everyone item. If you were thinking handbags, you are a very smart cookie (oh look another food analogy), but if you WEREN'T thinking handbags, let me explain. 

Steve Madden...oh how I adore thee

Purses are a gift from the fashion gods, and I feel are personally meant for me. When I go to the store to find something beautiful to wear, I don't have to go to the plus size section and endure the torture to find something that isn't too tight, looks like something my grandmother would wear, or just isn't down right ugly. I can strut with confidence right to the handbags and enter heaven. They aren't telling me that I'm not thin enough to rock them.They tell me that I'm just right. I'm perfectly imperfect, and purses accept that.There isn't any rifling through the rack hoping that they're your size and then praying they fit correctly, because you know it will fit like a dream. You dont' have to ask,"Does this make me look pregnant? If I suck it in all day, this MIGHT look ok. Maybe, I'll wear Spanx and just not eat all day.I don't like being able to breathe anyway." There's only, "Do I want a long shoulder strap? Red leather or tan? Pattern print or solid color?"  Whether it's a Betsey Johnson, Steve Madden, Nine West, or Michael Kors, it doesn't matter. Any woman, any shape or size, can wear them with pride. 

 

I love how I feel when I have a new bag on my shoulder. I don't feel like the elephant in the room anymore. I feel transformed into a trendy women who's in charge with a sexy bag. With a nice bag, all is right with the world. Do I sound a little crazy about bags? If I do, that's ok. Buying handbags are my healthy/unhealthy vice. Everyone has their vices, so who is anyone to judge? There isn't fashionable clothing out there for everyone, but there is a bag for everyone. On days when you do feel like a busted can of biscuits, it's ok. Pull out your nice bag, throw on something you feel comfortable in, and strut. And you know what? Go ahead and eat a cinnamon roll while you're at it. I'm not judging, and neither is your handbag. 

-Jaxx

"It's Complicated"

Everyone knows that love is complicated. Love goes hand in hand with life, so it is never meant to be easy. Love is selfishly unselfish, because of the love,care, and effort that we, the individual needs to put in the relationship for the other person, while also making sure we are getting what we need. If a person in the relationship is unwilling, or unable to provide that, go ahead and changed your relationship status along with your idea of love and relationships to "It's Complicated".   

(if you couldn't tell by now, I love ecards)

To keep relationships healthy and love a little less complicated, there's a lot the individual in the relationship, needs to sacrifice. Simple things like dumping the bad eating habits, sacrificing your hearing by going to karaoke Tuesdays, or even your spot on the couch ( unless your name is Dr.Sheldon Cooper, then that doesn't apply) . I am slowly learning that along with the small things, there are larger things that need to be sacrificed too, in order to keep your relationship from deteriorating and falling into that dreaded "It's Complicated" status.

My sacrifice is my pride. It took me a while to be able to admit that because...well, because of my pride, ironically. In the past, my pride has been my downfall in a lot of relationships, where all could have been solved by me sucking it up and saying two monosyllable words: "I'm sorry." My refusal to put my pride away to say sorry was due to me associating "I'm sorry" to admitting I was wrong, when I believed I wasn't. But now I see that, that is not the case. Like all lessons I've learned in my life, I've learned  the truth the hard way. 

In an argument today with my boyfriend, we both said some mean things to each other in the heat of the moment. We both have tempers like no other and a loose filter that gets us into more trouble than necessary. But, I will admit, I tend to be worse than him when it comes to a lack of filter, like today when my filterless mouth lead me to say things I shouldn't have, and then ignore the argument completely. Naturally, that resulted in the silent treatment from the both of us. Yes, I know it was childish, spare me the parental comments. 

After two hours of our silence, I couldn't take it. I missed my boyfriend and best friend. I hated knowing he was mad at me. I knew I had to suck up my pride and...apologize. But, I didn't feel like I was wrong. So why should I be the one to apologize?? Shouldn't he have to apologize too? Before I could work myself back up into a tizzy, I finally understood. It's not about admitting that he was right and I was wrong, it's about saying sorry for how I made him feel and how I said things. I could have expressed myself differently and said things in a better way.  I had to let go of my pride to realize that being right isn't important. I hurt the feelings of someone I love. My pride no longer mattered. So for the sake of him and our relationship, I surrendered my pride and apologized, and we kissed and made up like a good boy and girl should. 

 

Sacrifices comes in all shapes in sizes within relationships. But, one should never sacrifice more than the other, just to keep a relationship afloat. Everything is give and take, so one can't be expected to keep giving parts of themselves, and getting nothing in return.  Like life, love needs balance. My boyfriend and I know, and understand that now. We aren't perfect, but we are willing to learn from our mistakes. Love will always remain complicated, but that doesn't mean our relationship has to be. Love is a test of wills, and we are determined to pass with flying colors. 

-Jaxx

Throwing Up Epiphanies: Alcohol Edition

I think during our time as young adults we make a lot of mistakes. Some mistakes we can all relate to, while some we feel alone. Over all, we all make mistakes, but it's how you bounce back that really counts.  Being 21 opens a lot of doors of opportunity in making mistakes, especially when it comes to alcohol.When you get to be 21, the law says you are at the age where you are responsible enough to make  decisions when it comes to drinking alcohol. The law says that, but are you really ready? 

Tonight, I made an irresponsible decision to drink for the wrong reasons. I've been feeling stressed over stuff that's been going on in my life, to where I felt like a glass of wine would be perfect to take the edge off. That one glass of wine easily turned into drinking 3/4 of a bottle. I'm not talking a "bottle for one" type bottle. I'm talking a bottle for a party type bottle. My alcohol intake has increased over the past few months, and my want for it has definitely been on the upswing. I used to hardly drink, but I have let the problems in my life consume me to where I felt the need to drink to make me feel better. So where does that put me now? That puts me in an alcoholic stupor, to where I don't remember half of what happened tonight and caused me to pass out. 

Waking up, all I could think was to make myself throw up to get rid of the alcohol. So now, I'm throwing up in my boyfriends bathroom, embarrassed, and hating myself. How could I let myself lose control like that? How could I let myself fall victim to relying on a  substance to make myself feel better?? That's not a responsible decision. That's not what adults do. I can't expect myself to be a role model to others if I let myself easily succumb to the contents of a bottle for temporary relief. Sure, I know a lot of you are thinking,  "So what? That's just one mistake." But, one mistake is all it takes. One mistake, and I can lose myself and all that I stand for. One mistake, and I can lose all of the people I love.  I can't allow that to happen. I can't allow myself to lose who I am. I just can't. 

So here's my bounce back: I quit. I quit drinking alcohol. I realize its way too easy to fall into that pit of destruction. I realize that I'm not ready to handle the responsibilities alcohol comes with. It's a scary situation to put myself into, and I never want to be like that again. I understand that it seems to be a rash decision after one bad experience, but I know in my heart that it's something that I need to do. I never want to have that feeling of craving a substance to make myself feel better. I don't want to "numb myself out" by turning to unhealthy vices. So I promise to who ever that is reading this, until I feel I am ready to handle the responsibilities of alcohol, I won't be drinking again. So bartender, pass me my Shirley Temple please and cheers to responsibility. 

-Jaxx

Table For One Please: Part Two

Walking into the cafe and finding a seat, my waiter meets me. First thing he asks, "Are you by yourself ma'am?" I see we are already off to a good start by announcing my lack of companion.Choking down my sarcasm defense mechanism, I confidently say yes, I am alone. A flutter of elation surged through me as I said it. "I'm really doing this. I am eating alone", I thought. As the waiter takes my order, he removes the extra place setting, which made my "aloneness" even more prominent and final. After I order, I really get to take in my surroundings for the first time as a single patron in a restaurant. The usual anxieties try to scratch their way in, wondering what I'm supposed to do now? There's no one to talk to. There's no one to occupy your time until the food arrives, but it's nice so far, despite the tinge of nerves. 

Typing away writing this post, I'm enjoying the buzzing of the appliances, the clatter of the silver wear, and the sounds of the conversations in Italian the waiters are having. Two more customers come in and I feel a little bit more alone. Instantly, in my head  I wonder, "Are they judging me? Do they think I'm pathetic because I'm eating by myself?" That sparks another thought in me. Why is it when we see people eating in public alone, we think or assume that they are sad and/or lonely? Is it really so far out the norm that we believe something negative about the situation? Unfortunately, I am very guilty of this. When I see someone eat alone, I usually think "Are they lonely? Do they have friends? Are they sad because they are eating alone?" I instantly pity the person. Which is wrong of me. They, like me at this very moment, could be doing it by choice. Who knows? It's nice not having to be required to carry conversation. I can eat and be left alone to relax and just not think for a while. I don't have to pretend to care about who said what about someone, some new fad diet, or some other god awful example. I just simply get to eat and enjoy my company, and let me tell you, I am loads of fun. 

 Putting myself in new situations and stepping out of my comfort zone has never been the top of my "fun things to do" list. Surprisingly though, eating out in a restaurant alone was exhilarating. It was fun to do something new, and know that I overcame and grew out of that anxiety. I can't say eating alone will be something I do often, but I can say that I am no longer afraid to do it. My mom frequently likes to remind me that I came in this world alone, I will die alone, so I shouldn't ever be afraid to be alone. I finally understand and I realized it's not about being independent or relying on others. It's about being confident in yourself  and ok with enjoying your own company, without being afraid to be by yourself. I have a feeling this experience is the start of something new. Who knows what else I can accomplish now? I might get wild and crazy, and go to a movie by myself, something else I feel is out of the social norm, and something I have never had the guts to do. Or maybe I'll start out smaller and order dessert before my meal. That's taboo, right? It's not exactly edgy or badass, but it is breaking the norm I think. It is all about baby steps after all. 

-Jaxx

Table For One Please: Part One

One thing I have always took pride in, is my independence. I never felt I truly needed anyone, because I could do things on my own. That was what I believed until this morning, when I realized I may not be as independent as I thought. Running late for work, I forgot to pack my lunch, causing me to go out for my afternoon sustenance. So, as I sit in my little cubicle, I try to decide where I want to eat. All I can think of is eating pizza at my favorite Italian cafe (let's face it, Italian food is delicious). So the 'where' in my dilemma is solved, now to move on to the 'who' , as in who am I going to go to lunch with. Then it hit me. I have never gone out to eat alone. Sure, I've ordered 'to-go' and then eaten in my car by myself, or have eaten in the break room alone, but never sat down in a restaurant and eaten alone. That's always seemed to be a partner or group activity to me, and looked so lonely for those I saw who did eat alone. How could I call myself truly independent, but be unable to go out and do something as simple as eating alone in a restaurant? I couldn't. 

I can not in good conscience, allow myself to continue this pattern. It's good to be able to go out and do things, without having to rely on people to do them with, and to know that I am confident enough to do them alone. People wont always be around, or available to be there when you need them to be, so I should be able to do them on my own. So garçon, table for one please. Yes, the one by the window will be fine. I will be breaking out of my comfort zone today and eating alone in my favorite cafe. This is the first step into my adventure of stepping out of my comfort zone. Stay tuned...

-Jaxx

Lessons From Blogging

By now, I'm sure most of you have realized that I say exactly how I feel about whatever comes to my mind and that nothing is off limits, including vaginal flatulence. If you haven't noticed, then maybe you should go back and reread since I've now pointed out the obvious. I'm not afraid of talking about my life and my experiences, because I know that someone, somewhere, has gone through or is going through what I wrote about. If they haven't, then go ahead and get a laugh at my expense. At least my posts have served a purpose. I got into writing a blog because I felt like I had something to say that was worth hearing, and to connect with others through the written word. I never thought I would learn and grow from writing a blog. But, it has been such an exciting experience so far, and I want to share with you all what exactly I've learned. Here it goes:


1. If it's something you truly enjoy, don't let anyone discourage you from doing it. It's what makes you happy, and that's all that matters

2. Not everyone is going to like what you post, and you have to be ok with that. Everything I post is MY opinion. No one elses. Not everyone is going to agree with what I have to say or the way I say it, and that's fine. I will keep writing, you don't have to keep reading. 

3. Don't be afraid of silence. If you were to see me in public, and I was alone, I most likely have headphones in my ears. I never was comfortable with silence. Especially with my own thoughts. Silence gave way to my worries, and gave me anxiety. So I flooded my head with constant music to hide from. But, blogging has helped me realize that I don't need to hide. Embrace it, and find a way to write it out.

4. It's ok to stray from the beaten path. I grew up thinking I could never do anything other than what people expect of me. I now know that the only thing that matters is what I expect from myself. I expect only the best and to be successful in whatever I choose. So, I know that I will be just fine. I don't need to follow anyone else's life plan but mine.

5. You can't be perfect overnight. Blogging takes time and work. It's something that I take pride in, but I know I'm not perfect. I'm just a novice who's learning along the way. When I first began, I had these huge expectations of myself to be able to blog everyday and stay on top of every project I took on. I forgot that I'm human, and these things takes time. 

6. Learn from the criticism. I used to hate when someone criticized my work, but now I crave it. As long as it's constructive, I want to hear it. I never want to be stuck and never grow as a writer. 


This is only the beginning of my blogging journey. I know I have much more to learn, but I think I'm doing ok so far. I can't imagine where blogging will take me, but I'm loving it so far. 

-Jaxx

Life Lessons From A Flatulent Pussycat

Being a lover of comedy, and someone who aspires to maybe work in the comedy world, I know there's a lot of things you have to be able to do to make it in the industry. Making people laugh is a given to the smart asses who thought I was pointing out the obvious. To make people laugh is the goal, but to be able to laugh at yourself is the talent to get you there. You have to be able to laugh at yourself, to be funny to others and really open up comedically .That skill also applies in life.Too many people shy from fun times and moments that could possibly be embarrassing for them or out of their comfort zone. In my mind I have always known this, and never thought I had a problem with being able to laugh at myself. I've had slight embarrassing moments and easily laughed them off in the past. It didn't truly click in my head about the importance of being able to laugh at yourself during embarrassing situation, until the time came to where I laughed genuinely at a definite mortifying moment. During sex with my boyfriend, my vagina decided to fart.  

An emission of air from the vagina, usually during sex, commonly known as a "queef" or "vart". What do you do when you vagina decides to do that during sex? Pray to a higher being that your partner didn't hear and keep going? Burst in to tears and end the butt naked bang bang session? Or do you burst into uncontrollable laughter that makes your vagina continue to fart, and then laugh some more because it keeps happening? Yeah, I chose option number three. It was was too obvious to ignore, and there was no way I was bursting into tears just because my lady garden had a little flatulence. That left me with the only option to laugh and laugh hard. I had no idea it was going to happen, but when it did, C.K's face was priceless. That sent my laughter over the edge and into the "busting a gut" kind of laughter. Tears brimming up into my eyes, face hurting, and side cramping, it finally clicked into my head about being able to laugh at yourself in awkward situations. Although C.K said I was ruining the moment by laughing, I couldn't help but laugh the most freeing laugh I have ever laughed in a long time. It was almost therapeutic in a way. I realized how good it felt to be able to laugh in a situation like that instead of shying away and wishing that ACME anvil a couple of posts ago, would come smash me. I embraced the moment, not allowing myself to let it crush my confidence. After the passing of air was done and my laughter subsided, we definitely got back into our butt naked bang bang session and it was so much more fun too. ;) 

Whether or not you want to work in the comedy industry, try to learn from the comedians. They make a living making others laugh with their stories of their life experiences without batting an eye. So what my hoohoo toot-tooted? It happens more often in women than people think. It's not a big deal unless you make it one. So take it from me and my plethora of embarrassing moments, and laugh. Look at it from a comedic eye and find the funny. Life is too precious to allow awkward situations hold you back. Laugh and laugh hard with pride, because you aren't letting a silly situation get you down. In a way, I am grateful to my flatulent pussycat. I learned the lesson, and now I am passing down my knowledge. Lesson of the day: You aren't truly free until you can genuinely laugh at yourself. Don't thank me, thank my vagina. 

-Jaxx

I Dare You: The 52 Week Money Challenge

I love spending money. I spend money like it's going out of style. But, I am coming to realize, that's not acceptable anymore. It's not cute to always be the broke girl with nice things. So, starting today I will be doing the 52 week challenge. It will be a good way for me to start practicing saving for my future. If you are like me and want to get better at saving money, I dare you to take the challenge with me. The holidays are approaching fast, and you don't want to be poor until January. Tell a friend or family member so they can help you stay on track with your spending AND saving. 

"No Your Butt Doesn't Look Fat In Those Jeans"

Lies, white lies, fibs, omitting, or if you want to get pretentious: fabricating. Lies are lies, no matter how you dress it up. Everyone is a liar liar pants on fire. Yes, by everyone I am including myself. My pants stay on smolder daily. It's the little white lies that get me through the day with my sanity in tact. "No, I didn't eat the last slice of pizza." "I think it was Sharon who jammed the copier." "Yes, I'd just love to hear about your 5th divorce again." See? Little white lies. But I'm not saying I'm in the right. It' not ok to lie, even for the protection of someone's feelings by telling them yes, they do look great in those leggings they bought, when they really don't. If that person's legs looks like ground up beef in a sausage casing, tell them. Just tell them in a nice way. No one likes a liar. Whether it's an omission or a lie, it's best to be upfront. 

C.K learned the hard way that being upfront and honest with me is always best. A couple months ago, I bought him a gift certificate to have a tattoo done at our favorite shop, but he decided to sell it to a friend for some cash. He waited days after to tell me about what he did. When he finally fessed up, I was mad and hurt. Not because he cashed it in, but because he felt that he couldn't tell me. I always express the importance about being honest. So why lie? His answer was, he didn't want to hurt my feelings or get me mad. The problem is, I ended up being hurt and mad anyway. He should have been straight up from the get go, and I wouldn't have been as hurt or upset as I was after he waited. Lies have a way of hurting people, it's just a matter of when the hurt is going to come. 

My mom always told me, "What you do in the dark always finds it's way to the light." So, by lying thinking you are protecting someone's feelings or defending yourself from the consequences of your actions, all you are doing is delaying the inevitability that the truth WILL come out. If you had the nerve/balls to do whatever you did, or call yourself a true friend, stay honest. No more liars liars and pants on fire. Don't let your friend go out looking like cellulite stuck in spandex, and don't lie about things you shouldn't have done. I'm sure your pants will thank you. 

-Jaxx

Being Happy Isn't A Career

You know those people who have known what career they wanted since they've popped out their mom's hoo-ha? Yeah, those people who have it all together and working in a field they love? I hate those people. Not because of who they are, but because they have it all figured out. I however, do not. I tend to have a lot of ideas of something that sounds great, but no solid idea that turns into a plan of action. At the age of 5 I was asked "What do you want to be when you grow up?" My answer: a doctor. At the age of 10, I was asked again. My answer: A marine biologist. Sixteen rolls around, and I was asked once more. My answer: nurse. Now at the age of 20-something, if you were to ask me for the billionth time what I want to be when I finally grew up, my answer would be, "I don't know". How could I not know? 

The past 15 years of my life I had some sort of idea to what I wanted to do. But now, when my adult life is really starting to begin, I have no bloody clue. I've always had the desire to make a difference in other peoples lives. That's the one thing I know for sure that I want to do with my life. Make a difference, and be happy in whatever I choose to do. But, unfortunately being happy isn't a career, and making differences don't pay the bills. 

I firmly believe that everyone has a skill that they are great at, that helps them in doing what they love. Problem is, I haven't really found out what mine is yet. I know that I'm good at helping others. Which is good, I guess. Who wants a great eye for detail and maybe become a great designer, when you can have great listening skills? So, I am starting my journey to find a job that I'd love to wake up everyday, that puts my skill set to the test. I don't like the idea of settling. I don't want to just pick some career and end up 5 years down the line hating my job. Is it wrong to want to love what I do? Is it wrong to not want to settle, or to want to ensure my happiness in whatever I choose to do? Maybe it's naive to want that, but I don't care, at least I want to make something of myself.

I may not have known what I wanted to be since I was born, or have it all together, but at least I want something out of life. I don't have all the answers to my problems, or even a set path on how to get there, but I'm determined to find it. Starting now, I will be doing research, on the world wide web and inside myself, to find a worthwhile career that I can be happy doing. Want to help? The suggestion box is open for positivity only. Until then, wish me luck. 

-Jaxx

For Better Or For Worse

"For better or for worse". That is the promise that couples say as a vow while changing their "I's" to "we's", and those "me's" to an "us" in marriage. As a person in a relationship, I know I have a certain responsibility as a woman, and as a girlfriend to my boyfriend. But, what I didn't know was how hard it would be to maintain that responsibility of support through difficult times, before the boyfriend and I even reached the possibilities of us ever saying "I do". With problems coming at C.K (my boyfriend) and I from seemingly every angle, we are learning that in serious relationships, being there for each other "for better or for worse" doesn't start at "I do". It begins when you decide that you truly love that person instead of "like like" them. Unfortunately, that is easier said than done. 

I've been struggling on what exactly to write about our situation. Do I paint him as the jerk and I the pitiful victim so you, the reader, take my side of the argument? Or, do I make myself the villain and throw in a plot twist? Neither. Truth is, C.K and I are both at fault. We bicker and fight about nonsense, like him always being late,or me saying "whatever" when I don't want to discuss something. We are human. We aren't perfect. We fight and argue. But, as much as we get on each other's last nerves, we are ALWAYS there for each other, for better or for worse. So right now, things are hard. He's struggling to find work and I'm struggling to find ways to show him that he's not completely down on his luck and that I'm there for him. There's only so much that I can do. I don't have a magic wand to wave and make things better. But, I do have my willingness to support him in this  difficult time, despite the arguments and the frustrations. 

Nothing in life worth having comes easy. Some famous person out there said that, and unfortunately the jerk was right. Nothing in life worth having really doesn't come easy. If it did, my relationship with C.K wouldn't be a headache and a half, half the time. Life seems to be beating us sideways while we are trying to remain upright. Through our struggles as individuals, we are starting to really see who we really are. Two insecure individuals, one control freak, one lacking gumption, and a partridge in a pear tree. True colors are shining through the haze that was the honeymoon phase of our relationship, testing our wills. But we love each other, and we know that we are worth working for, for better or for worse. 

Battle Of The Sexes: Gift Giving

From the first day we met, I knew my boyfriend and I were definitely in the "opposites attract" category of couples. We are so different in so many ways, that I'll have to save that for a different post to explain. We struggle every now and again to adjust to the fact that we don't think the same way about a lot of things. Today wasn't any different. The boyfriend and I got into a "discussion" about the subject of gift giving. Our one year anniversary is coming up, along with Christmas , AND his birthday. Hurray for my pockets right? Wrong. Anyway, we came to the topic of how men and women differ on the process of finding gifts for the opposite sex. More specifically, how I struggle finding gifts for him versus his ease of finding gifts for me. I struggle every time when it comes to buying him things, when he's all breezy with the fact that I'm so easy to shop for. I can not even begin to tell you how frustrating that is for me. Men are so simple its complicated, and I'm slightly a perfectionist.

 

Every person I buy a gift for, I have went completely out of my way to blow their minds with gifts. I always put deep thought in the type of person they are, the things they like, and the things they may need. I took all of that into consideration as I tried to find gifts for them. I wanted to wow them, surprise them, and get that sense of deep satisfaction that I made them happy. I love the feeling that the long search, the frustration on finding the gift, was worth it. It's like a sport for me. The thinking, the planning, and the search for the gift was the playoffs, and presenting the gift was winning the freaking playoffs. Just put a W next to my name, because I have won. No I'm not crazy, I swear. I just love showing I care with a nicely wrapped gift. I know it's not always just about the gift, it's what the gift represents, or what I'm trying to say to the person the gift is for. The perfectionist in me wants everything to be perfect, and the people pleaser in me wants everyone happy. And then there's my boyfriend. He's a very laid back when it comes to most things, like most guys are. Not much effort goes into the gift giving. Well, that's not fair to say. He does a little brainstorming, thinks of the gift he wants you to have, and then goes to get it, or make it, or even gets a little old school and give you something from his childhood ( a game boy advance with a game, if you were curious), and call it a day. How freaking fair is that?? It's not. I obsess weeks to find "the perfect gift" to ensure he loves it, while over thinking and overanalyzing in the process, while he's sitting peachy keen not even breaking a sweat. It's just not fair. Pretend to break a sweat at least.

 

My boyfriend and I are as different as can be. Our gift giving tactics clearly demonstrate that. But, ultimately the process we go through, as well as many other couples, to find the perfect gift for our significant other doesn't matter. We both know that we both put thought into the gift, and care about the other persons reaction to the gift. That's what really matters. Not the fact that the other person didn't go completely out of their way, or spend as much time trying to find a gift. The fact that I'm an obsessive perfectionist is my affliction, not his. So, its not his fault that he doesn't have to really try as hard as I do to find me something he thinks I might like.I have to remember that it's about the other person and what they are trying to express to you with the gift. It's not about the time or money spent, or the effort put into it. Now, if it's a cliché stuffed animal and a .97 cent card from the drug store, then sweat it. Sweat it big time. And then maybe break up with that person. That's not ballin on a budget, that's down right cheap. Otherwise, don't sweat the stuff surrounding the gift. It's unnecessary and put's unneeded stress on the relationship. Spend that energy doing something productive like, solving world hunger or why there's too much air in chip bags.

 

-Jaxx

We The People

I wasn't raised to judge or hate someone based on their color, gender, or orientation. But, that doesn't mean that I don't think racism and prejudices don't exist. I don't live under a rock. I live it everyday, not only as a woman, but as a black woman. But, it still throws me off kilter when I hear people allow bigotry to fall out of their mouths like it's ok. Yes yes, I know, freedom of speech. But, why does the color of skin, if you're a man or woman, gay or straight, matter? People have fought, risked, and even lost their lives, to ensure we follow the very words our country was founded on. "We the people". We are all people. We have the right to be who, and what we are. It shouldn't matter about the rest. To loosely quote Martin Luther King Jr; don't  judge people by the color of their skin, gender or orientation, but by the content of their character. Let their morals, ethics, character and actions be what defines them. 

-Jaxx

Cinema Magic

Pauline Kael, an American film critic, once said:

" A good movie can take you out of your dull funk and the hopelessness that so often goes with slipping into a theatre; a good movie can make you feel alive again, in contact, not just lost in another city. Good movies make you care, make you believe in possibilities again. If somewhere in the Hollywood-entertainment world someone has managed to break through with something that speaks to you, then it isn't all corruption. The movie doesn't have to be great; it can be stupid and empty and you can still have the joy of a good performance, or the joy in just a good line. An actor’s scowl, a small subversive gesture, a dirty remark that someone tosses off with a mock-innocent face, and the world makes a little bit of sense..."

The butterflies of anticipation, the giddy impatience, and the kool aid smile of excitement. That is what I experience before the start of every movie. Seeing the opening credits and hearing the opening music, stills my body. I forget to exist.For ninety minutes or so, I'm lost. I'm lost inside the cinema magic. Nothing else matters to me, but what's on that screen.Watching movies is an escape for me. The lights go dark and so do your worries. For a couple hours, you're inside the movie and following the plot, while never once thinking about the stress that waits for you after the credits roll. I can get lost inside the world the movie creates for me. My mind shuts off from the millions of thoughts that plague me daily. I can live a thousand lives within movies. I've been everywhere, real and/or imaginary. I've lived inside the movie, pretending I'm my favorite character, as they go on their journey to win the battle, survive their adventure, or get the guy. Watching different movies takes your mind to places you've only dreamed of. That's where the true magic exists.In movies, I know that love can be flawless, and  the geeky girl can get the super hot popular boy to fall in love with her. In movies, other worlds are real, and fairy tales are brought to life. You can't fail. You only face some sort of minor setback or obstacle, but not to worry, that's only the climax. There's always a trick up the sleeve, a plot twist, or secret plan. Everything makes sense. Every gesture, every line, and every action has a purpose. That's what makes movies so great. It shows you a perfect world, where there aren't any unknowns like there are in life. It's my escape from the unknown, my proverbial safety blanket. Movies are my safe place. I will forever love movies. 

-Jaxx

Priorities For The Poor

Growing up, I couldn't wait to be 20-something. I had dreams of living on my own, a nice car, and fancy material items. But then reality sucker punched me in the face. Health issues, lack of motivation, and the economy, really caused some major setbacks in my dream 20-something lifestyle. So here I am, a 20-something "adult" struggling to make something of her life, putting herself through college with bills to pay, and still trying to maintain a social life, while living at home; carless. Pretty sad really. I sympathize with bank robbers. If I lacked morals and had the lady balls, I'd be a bank robber too. The cost of living continues to rise and money is scarce. But unfortunately, I don't look good in orange or prison stripes, so bank robbery or any kind of thievery is out of the question. 

Lately, its been even more of a struggle, because it really hit me about the importance of wise money spending. I've made a lot of mistakes with overspending and impulse buying, only to really regret it later when I had only 5 dollars to survive the week. I spent money like it was going out of style, just so I can maintain the appearance that I actually had money. Ridiculous. I'm not a label whore, but you would never catch me buying store brand peanut butter if I knew there was Jif or Peter Pan on the shelf. But with my lovely adult life, if I can save .50 cents, I buy that store brand peanut butter with gusto. Why buy Jif when I know that knock off-I mean "store brand", tastes just as good? It's the little things that really make a difference. Cutting out things I know for a fact I don't need, or even sacrificing things that I can go without for a while, saves those nickels and dimes for something that I really need. 

Being a person who acted before thinking, this new frame of mind is....different. I know it's necessary if I don't want to be 30-something still living at home. Hard work pays off in the end. That's the cliche my mom always tells me. I think its just code for, "hurry up and move out". Well trust me mom, I'm working on it. Even if that means renting Redbox instead of going to the movies, or dollar menuing it instead of going to restaurants, so that one day I can have my dream lifestyle and be proud of myself of accomplishing something that once seemed so impossible. 

I've learned that everything in life comes at a cost. It just depends on what that thing is, and is it truly worth buying? My old self would be buying Betsey Johnson bags and jewelry without a care, but my new responsible self knows that its more important to have my business taken care of and money in my bank account. Who knows what could come up? Is it really that important to have the latest bag, or money for when you really need it? It's great to have nice things, I'm not saying it isn't. There just comes a time where you have to decide what's truly important in life. The appearance of having it together, or actually having it together. I choose to having it together. When someone sees me out and about, I want them to see a woman who's got it all figured out, not some poser living paycheck to paycheck. It's about that time I get my priorities in order. 

-Jaxx

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My Rock, My Love, My Best Friend

This is my love, my rock, my best friend. I love and trust him more than I have ever trusted anyone. It's scary, yet so freeing to know that you love and trust someone so completely. That means you are handing over your body, heart, and soul. All your fears, vulnerability, hopes, dreams, goes to him. Its an amazing experience. We are each others rock, best friend, and personal cheer leader. We have gone through tough times and really took a beating, but we came out victorious. We aren't perfect, far from it actually. But we both know and understand that if we love each other enough, we don't give up when things get hard.

So what do you do when your love, your rock, your best friend, leaves for the military? You soldier on (pun intended). My boyfriend plans on enlisting into the United States Air Force (USAF)  very soon, and I'm slightly worried. I know he will do great and thrive in the military, just like the men in his family before him. He's prepared the best he can be for enlistment, but I am not. I feel like no amount of Google could possibly prepare me for months without him because of boot camp, and then a year during his deployment. Now don't get confused on the type woman that I am. I'm not a needy, clingy, annoying type of woman. I'm very much the opposite. Strong, independent, and damn stubborn. I know how to handle my own. I come from strong women who've taught me that. But, what they haven't taught me is how to be strong for my man while he is away. How do military spouses and families do it? How? I feel so completely at a loss and so ill prepared, that my perfectionist side of me is going crazy. 

This is a glimpse of my world. An attached-at-the-hip strong relationship being pulled apart for duty. A woman at a loss on how to be there for her love while he's answering his call to serve his country. I want to show that I support him every step of the way and still his rock even though we aren't together. I will soldier on though. I will be there every step of the way, even if its more of an awkward stumble, than a step. When the going gets tough, you push through it. Even though it would be so easy for me to run away and say "forget it", I know my duty as a woman. To support her man. Like my guy loves to tell me, its time to get out of my comfort zone. 

Hey, I Like Like You

Remember the days when you were a kid and the word "love" was such a powerful word, we didn't use it to describe how we felt about someone? We either liked someone, or LIKED liked someone. By repeating the word it was supposed to mean something more than it being said once. Maybe it was just me or the way I was raised. My mom always told me never say you love someone unless you really mean it. What may seem like a simple statement to you, carries an indescribable meaning to the other person, and you cant take back what's already been said. Words aren't just words.When you put those words together, they create a statement that carries a meaning, an impact, and a purpose. 

Every guy I've dated,  I have told them to not tell me they love me unless they are completely sure.  If you really like me, or think you love me, say you "like like" me until you are ready to say the "L word". It may seem like I'm taking it back to middle school with the word choice, but love is too special of a word to just throw around all willy  nilly. So if I sound 12, so be it. I'm not a fairy tale romantic, I just choose to not inflict people with the pain of my words if I don't mean what I say. After all, quoting Pat Benatar: Love is a battlefield. It's messy and you don't need to bring unnecessary hurt into it if you can avoid it. Protect yourself and others from heartache, and keep yourself from tossing the "L word" around if you don't mean it.  

-Jaxx

My Mask Unveiled

I've fought with myself since I've started this blog about letting people see who I am. The sense of animosity was fun and exciting at first,  because I felt more freedom with my writing. By no means, am I a professional writer. I'm a person who loves to write and express myself in different ways. I honestly was a little nervous to show who I am, because then people could see the face behind the words, and make judgments. But, after thinking long and hard, I decided to find my lady balls, and show who I am. I'm an average girl.  I've battled for years with my self confidence, and its still not 100%. But now, I love who I am. Life is a continuous journey, and it's only exciting if you stray from the beaten path and do something that you wouldn't normally do. So this is me, taking a chance,  and showing myself to the world, letting everyone know that I am Jaxx, hear me roar!! 


-Jaxx

 

Let Your Freak Flag Fly

There are billions of people on this earth. All of us are different. Tall, short, fat, thin, black, white, brown, purple, green, etc etc. You'd think that after years of fighting prejudices in every culture, we would have learned to accept people for who they are. I was raised to judge people for their actions, not the person they are. Some people are still stuck in their prejudicial ways, and it continues to baffle me.

This past weekend I was getting pictures taken with my boyfriend, when an elderly woman stopped and said "You're a beautiful woman, and I'm not a gay". "Not a gay". Wow. My first thought after I recovered from my shock of her statement was, "Who cares?". Who cares if she was gay? Who am I to judge her? I'm not God, Allah, Jesus, Buddha, or any other being of higher power. I am not a perfect person, so I have no right whatsoever to judge others for their preferences. No one on this earth does. It's 2013, and I continuously have to hear from my friends in the LGBT community about the harsh names they are called like freak, faggot, broken. That's not even half of them. So, because they like the same sex, they are considered a freak? Wrong. Their orientation does not define them. Their character, their morals, their ethics, is what defines them. Not the fact that Billy likes the P instead of the V. 

I've lost a friend to suicide, due to the ridicule and the bullying because he was gay. The bully's missed out seeing how great of a person Tyler was. He had a glowing personality. You couldn't help but smile and feel great when you were around him.  He loved to sing and play soccer, but the guys who taunted him everyday after school for being a "fag", didn't see that. Tyler was the type of person that never complained because he didn't like "bothering" people with his problems. He'd much rather make us smile. He kept his pain to himself. He hid away the tears, the self hatred, and the fear. All because he was something that he couldn't change. He couldn't change the fact that he was gay, no more than I could change the fact that I'm black. We are, who we are. His parents lost a son, his younger brother lost his big brother and role model, I lost a friend. 

To anyone who feels alone because you are tall, short, fat, thin, black, white, brown, purple, green, gay, or transgender, etc, don't feel like you don't have the right to live or be here on this earth. You have as much right to be happy as anyone else.Don't give anyone the power to break your self esteem. You may be gay, but you are not a "fag". You may stand out and be different, but that's ok. Dare to be different. Dare to stand out and let your freak flag fly. Be who you are. Love who you are. You are a powerful and strong individual. Live, love,and laugh without a care in the world, because you know who you are and love it. 

-Jaxx

The Birds And The B's

Let's talk about the birds and the B's. No, not the sex talk. I'm talking about flipping the bird and the women in your life who are witches with a capital B. There's nothing I hate more than catty women. Always trying to cause drama and stress in other peoples life. If you're bored and need something to do, don't try to cause drama, go find a hobby. Crochet, underwater basket weaving, staring contests, something. I'm not going to pretend like I know why some women act the way they do. I'm not going to pretend that I care. It took a while to get to the train of thought that I'm at currently, but now I know how to handle situations with women who like to try to poison my life with negativity. Flip them the bird. Yeah that's right. Give them the international sign for "fuck you". Whether it's in your head, behind their back, or even directly in their face. Just do it. That's all you need to do. Anything else, and you're fueling the fire and working yourself up to get caught up in the drama. Who cares if it's not lady like? Being a bitch isn't lady like either, and yet there are women doing that on a constant basis.

I had this "friend" that liked to deal drama like its freaking UNO, and her hand were all draw 4's. Anyone involved with her gets screwed in the end, and not in a good way. I got burned so bad in one of her "games", that I truly was at a loss of what to do about the situation. I was mad for days, stress eating, and talking trash about her to anyone who would listen. It consumed my life until one day I just had enough. I got mad at myself for letting myself get caught up in the drama, so I told myself "Fuck it". The situation was petty, and I know I'm a better person than the way I was acting. I flipped the "friend" and the situation the bird and walked away.

There are so many better things you could be doing than letting someones negativity take over your life. Don't let those B's manipulate your mental health. You know where you stand in life, you know there are people who love, care, and support you no matter what. So that ONE B, doesn't and shouldn't matter. Flip her, the situation, and the negativity, the bird and keep it moving. I guarantee life will become so much better.


-Jaxx

What Are You Waiting For?

Just A Four Letter Word

The word "love" is funny. Almost everyone and their mother wants that four letter word. We search and search for it until we have it, and then we don't want to let it go. We lose ourselves in the feeling of having "love", I think we almost forget what to do with ourselves if we didn't have it. We romanticize love. Make it this grand and powerful thing, when really, it's just a four letter word. I hate the word "love". Too many people over use and abuse it to where I'm stuck contemplating what it really means. What does "love" really mean? I've asked so many people and no one can really give me a solid answer. They end up telling me the terms and conditions of what you do when you're "in love", but not the definition. But, like the rest I am after the elusive word. Always questioning, "Is this love? Is this what love feels like?" Maybe one day I will know. Maybe it'll just hit me one day, and it will all make sense after that. Maybe.

-Jaxx 

The Journey To Whatever This Is

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I think I've spent about 4 hours dancing around what exactly how I wanted to start. Introductions are lame and lets face it, who really wants to read my life story? No one, that's who. Unless I have my name in lights, I'm pretty sure that my bio isn't going to make the best sellers list. However, I do have things I think about, and often wonder if I'm the only one. So this blog isn't mostly about me. It's about expressing my thoughts about every day life and wondering if anyone else feels the same ......Now with that said, lets jump into this adventure feet first. 

-Jaxx