"It's Complicated"

Everyone knows that love is complicated. Love goes hand in hand with life, so it is never meant to be easy. Love is selfishly unselfish, because of the love,care, and effort that we, the individual needs to put in the relationship for the other person, while also making sure we are getting what we need. If a person in the relationship is unwilling, or unable to provide that, go ahead and changed your relationship status along with your idea of love and relationships to "It's Complicated".   

(if you couldn't tell by now, I love ecards)

To keep relationships healthy and love a little less complicated, there's a lot the individual in the relationship, needs to sacrifice. Simple things like dumping the bad eating habits, sacrificing your hearing by going to karaoke Tuesdays, or even your spot on the couch ( unless your name is Dr.Sheldon Cooper, then that doesn't apply) . I am slowly learning that along with the small things, there are larger things that need to be sacrificed too, in order to keep your relationship from deteriorating and falling into that dreaded "It's Complicated" status.

My sacrifice is my pride. It took me a while to be able to admit that because...well, because of my pride, ironically. In the past, my pride has been my downfall in a lot of relationships, where all could have been solved by me sucking it up and saying two monosyllable words: "I'm sorry." My refusal to put my pride away to say sorry was due to me associating "I'm sorry" to admitting I was wrong, when I believed I wasn't. But now I see that, that is not the case. Like all lessons I've learned in my life, I've learned  the truth the hard way. 

In an argument today with my boyfriend, we both said some mean things to each other in the heat of the moment. We both have tempers like no other and a loose filter that gets us into more trouble than necessary. But, I will admit, I tend to be worse than him when it comes to a lack of filter, like today when my filterless mouth lead me to say things I shouldn't have, and then ignore the argument completely. Naturally, that resulted in the silent treatment from the both of us. Yes, I know it was childish, spare me the parental comments. 

After two hours of our silence, I couldn't take it. I missed my boyfriend and best friend. I hated knowing he was mad at me. I knew I had to suck up my pride and...apologize. But, I didn't feel like I was wrong. So why should I be the one to apologize?? Shouldn't he have to apologize too? Before I could work myself back up into a tizzy, I finally understood. It's not about admitting that he was right and I was wrong, it's about saying sorry for how I made him feel and how I said things. I could have expressed myself differently and said things in a better way.  I had to let go of my pride to realize that being right isn't important. I hurt the feelings of someone I love. My pride no longer mattered. So for the sake of him and our relationship, I surrendered my pride and apologized, and we kissed and made up like a good boy and girl should. 

 

Sacrifices comes in all shapes in sizes within relationships. But, one should never sacrifice more than the other, just to keep a relationship afloat. Everything is give and take, so one can't be expected to keep giving parts of themselves, and getting nothing in return.  Like life, love needs balance. My boyfriend and I know, and understand that now. We aren't perfect, but we are willing to learn from our mistakes. Love will always remain complicated, but that doesn't mean our relationship has to be. Love is a test of wills, and we are determined to pass with flying colors. 

-Jaxx

My Rock, My Love, My Best Friend

This is my love, my rock, my best friend. I love and trust him more than I have ever trusted anyone. It's scary, yet so freeing to know that you love and trust someone so completely. That means you are handing over your body, heart, and soul. All your fears, vulnerability, hopes, dreams, goes to him. Its an amazing experience. We are each others rock, best friend, and personal cheer leader. We have gone through tough times and really took a beating, but we came out victorious. We aren't perfect, far from it actually. But we both know and understand that if we love each other enough, we don't give up when things get hard.

So what do you do when your love, your rock, your best friend, leaves for the military? You soldier on (pun intended). My boyfriend plans on enlisting into the United States Air Force (USAF)  very soon, and I'm slightly worried. I know he will do great and thrive in the military, just like the men in his family before him. He's prepared the best he can be for enlistment, but I am not. I feel like no amount of Google could possibly prepare me for months without him because of boot camp, and then a year during his deployment. Now don't get confused on the type woman that I am. I'm not a needy, clingy, annoying type of woman. I'm very much the opposite. Strong, independent, and damn stubborn. I know how to handle my own. I come from strong women who've taught me that. But, what they haven't taught me is how to be strong for my man while he is away. How do military spouses and families do it? How? I feel so completely at a loss and so ill prepared, that my perfectionist side of me is going crazy. 

This is a glimpse of my world. An attached-at-the-hip strong relationship being pulled apart for duty. A woman at a loss on how to be there for her love while he's answering his call to serve his country. I want to show that I support him every step of the way and still his rock even though we aren't together. I will soldier on though. I will be there every step of the way, even if its more of an awkward stumble, than a step. When the going gets tough, you push through it. Even though it would be so easy for me to run away and say "forget it", I know my duty as a woman. To support her man. Like my guy loves to tell me, its time to get out of my comfort zone. 

Hey, I Like Like You

Remember the days when you were a kid and the word "love" was such a powerful word, we didn't use it to describe how we felt about someone? We either liked someone, or LIKED liked someone. By repeating the word it was supposed to mean something more than it being said once. Maybe it was just me or the way I was raised. My mom always told me never say you love someone unless you really mean it. What may seem like a simple statement to you, carries an indescribable meaning to the other person, and you cant take back what's already been said. Words aren't just words.When you put those words together, they create a statement that carries a meaning, an impact, and a purpose. 

Every guy I've dated,  I have told them to not tell me they love me unless they are completely sure.  If you really like me, or think you love me, say you "like like" me until you are ready to say the "L word". It may seem like I'm taking it back to middle school with the word choice, but love is too special of a word to just throw around all willy  nilly. So if I sound 12, so be it. I'm not a fairy tale romantic, I just choose to not inflict people with the pain of my words if I don't mean what I say. After all, quoting Pat Benatar: Love is a battlefield. It's messy and you don't need to bring unnecessary hurt into it if you can avoid it. Protect yourself and others from heartache, and keep yourself from tossing the "L word" around if you don't mean it.  

-Jaxx

My Mask Unveiled

I've fought with myself since I've started this blog about letting people see who I am. The sense of animosity was fun and exciting at first,  because I felt more freedom with my writing. By no means, am I a professional writer. I'm a person who loves to write and express myself in different ways. I honestly was a little nervous to show who I am, because then people could see the face behind the words, and make judgments. But, after thinking long and hard, I decided to find my lady balls, and show who I am. I'm an average girl.  I've battled for years with my self confidence, and its still not 100%. But now, I love who I am. Life is a continuous journey, and it's only exciting if you stray from the beaten path and do something that you wouldn't normally do. So this is me, taking a chance,  and showing myself to the world, letting everyone know that I am Jaxx, hear me roar!! 


-Jaxx

 

Let Your Freak Flag Fly

There are billions of people on this earth. All of us are different. Tall, short, fat, thin, black, white, brown, purple, green, etc etc. You'd think that after years of fighting prejudices in every culture, we would have learned to accept people for who they are. I was raised to judge people for their actions, not the person they are. Some people are still stuck in their prejudicial ways, and it continues to baffle me.

This past weekend I was getting pictures taken with my boyfriend, when an elderly woman stopped and said "You're a beautiful woman, and I'm not a gay". "Not a gay". Wow. My first thought after I recovered from my shock of her statement was, "Who cares?". Who cares if she was gay? Who am I to judge her? I'm not God, Allah, Jesus, Buddha, or any other being of higher power. I am not a perfect person, so I have no right whatsoever to judge others for their preferences. No one on this earth does. It's 2013, and I continuously have to hear from my friends in the LGBT community about the harsh names they are called like freak, faggot, broken. That's not even half of them. So, because they like the same sex, they are considered a freak? Wrong. Their orientation does not define them. Their character, their morals, their ethics, is what defines them. Not the fact that Billy likes the P instead of the V. 

I've lost a friend to suicide, due to the ridicule and the bullying because he was gay. The bully's missed out seeing how great of a person Tyler was. He had a glowing personality. You couldn't help but smile and feel great when you were around him.  He loved to sing and play soccer, but the guys who taunted him everyday after school for being a "fag", didn't see that. Tyler was the type of person that never complained because he didn't like "bothering" people with his problems. He'd much rather make us smile. He kept his pain to himself. He hid away the tears, the self hatred, and the fear. All because he was something that he couldn't change. He couldn't change the fact that he was gay, no more than I could change the fact that I'm black. We are, who we are. His parents lost a son, his younger brother lost his big brother and role model, I lost a friend. 

To anyone who feels alone because you are tall, short, fat, thin, black, white, brown, purple, green, gay, or transgender, etc, don't feel like you don't have the right to live or be here on this earth. You have as much right to be happy as anyone else.Don't give anyone the power to break your self esteem. You may be gay, but you are not a "fag". You may stand out and be different, but that's ok. Dare to be different. Dare to stand out and let your freak flag fly. Be who you are. Love who you are. You are a powerful and strong individual. Live, love,and laugh without a care in the world, because you know who you are and love it. 

-Jaxx

Just A Four Letter Word

The word "love" is funny. Almost everyone and their mother wants that four letter word. We search and search for it until we have it, and then we don't want to let it go. We lose ourselves in the feeling of having "love", I think we almost forget what to do with ourselves if we didn't have it. We romanticize love. Make it this grand and powerful thing, when really, it's just a four letter word. I hate the word "love". Too many people over use and abuse it to where I'm stuck contemplating what it really means. What does "love" really mean? I've asked so many people and no one can really give me a solid answer. They end up telling me the terms and conditions of what you do when you're "in love", but not the definition. But, like the rest I am after the elusive word. Always questioning, "Is this love? Is this what love feels like?" Maybe one day I will know. Maybe it'll just hit me one day, and it will all make sense after that. Maybe.

-Jaxx