"It's Complicated"

Everyone knows that love is complicated. Love goes hand in hand with life, so it is never meant to be easy. Love is selfishly unselfish, because of the love,care, and effort that we, the individual needs to put in the relationship for the other person, while also making sure we are getting what we need. If a person in the relationship is unwilling, or unable to provide that, go ahead and changed your relationship status along with your idea of love and relationships to "It's Complicated".   

(if you couldn't tell by now, I love ecards)

To keep relationships healthy and love a little less complicated, there's a lot the individual in the relationship, needs to sacrifice. Simple things like dumping the bad eating habits, sacrificing your hearing by going to karaoke Tuesdays, or even your spot on the couch ( unless your name is Dr.Sheldon Cooper, then that doesn't apply) . I am slowly learning that along with the small things, there are larger things that need to be sacrificed too, in order to keep your relationship from deteriorating and falling into that dreaded "It's Complicated" status.

My sacrifice is my pride. It took me a while to be able to admit that because...well, because of my pride, ironically. In the past, my pride has been my downfall in a lot of relationships, where all could have been solved by me sucking it up and saying two monosyllable words: "I'm sorry." My refusal to put my pride away to say sorry was due to me associating "I'm sorry" to admitting I was wrong, when I believed I wasn't. But now I see that, that is not the case. Like all lessons I've learned in my life, I've learned  the truth the hard way. 

In an argument today with my boyfriend, we both said some mean things to each other in the heat of the moment. We both have tempers like no other and a loose filter that gets us into more trouble than necessary. But, I will admit, I tend to be worse than him when it comes to a lack of filter, like today when my filterless mouth lead me to say things I shouldn't have, and then ignore the argument completely. Naturally, that resulted in the silent treatment from the both of us. Yes, I know it was childish, spare me the parental comments. 

After two hours of our silence, I couldn't take it. I missed my boyfriend and best friend. I hated knowing he was mad at me. I knew I had to suck up my pride and...apologize. But, I didn't feel like I was wrong. So why should I be the one to apologize?? Shouldn't he have to apologize too? Before I could work myself back up into a tizzy, I finally understood. It's not about admitting that he was right and I was wrong, it's about saying sorry for how I made him feel and how I said things. I could have expressed myself differently and said things in a better way.  I had to let go of my pride to realize that being right isn't important. I hurt the feelings of someone I love. My pride no longer mattered. So for the sake of him and our relationship, I surrendered my pride and apologized, and we kissed and made up like a good boy and girl should. 

 

Sacrifices comes in all shapes in sizes within relationships. But, one should never sacrifice more than the other, just to keep a relationship afloat. Everything is give and take, so one can't be expected to keep giving parts of themselves, and getting nothing in return.  Like life, love needs balance. My boyfriend and I know, and understand that now. We aren't perfect, but we are willing to learn from our mistakes. Love will always remain complicated, but that doesn't mean our relationship has to be. Love is a test of wills, and we are determined to pass with flying colors. 

-Jaxx

Table For One Please: Part Two

Walking into the cafe and finding a seat, my waiter meets me. First thing he asks, "Are you by yourself ma'am?" I see we are already off to a good start by announcing my lack of companion.Choking down my sarcasm defense mechanism, I confidently say yes, I am alone. A flutter of elation surged through me as I said it. "I'm really doing this. I am eating alone", I thought. As the waiter takes my order, he removes the extra place setting, which made my "aloneness" even more prominent and final. After I order, I really get to take in my surroundings for the first time as a single patron in a restaurant. The usual anxieties try to scratch their way in, wondering what I'm supposed to do now? There's no one to talk to. There's no one to occupy your time until the food arrives, but it's nice so far, despite the tinge of nerves. 

Typing away writing this post, I'm enjoying the buzzing of the appliances, the clatter of the silver wear, and the sounds of the conversations in Italian the waiters are having. Two more customers come in and I feel a little bit more alone. Instantly, in my head  I wonder, "Are they judging me? Do they think I'm pathetic because I'm eating by myself?" That sparks another thought in me. Why is it when we see people eating in public alone, we think or assume that they are sad and/or lonely? Is it really so far out the norm that we believe something negative about the situation? Unfortunately, I am very guilty of this. When I see someone eat alone, I usually think "Are they lonely? Do they have friends? Are they sad because they are eating alone?" I instantly pity the person. Which is wrong of me. They, like me at this very moment, could be doing it by choice. Who knows? It's nice not having to be required to carry conversation. I can eat and be left alone to relax and just not think for a while. I don't have to pretend to care about who said what about someone, some new fad diet, or some other god awful example. I just simply get to eat and enjoy my company, and let me tell you, I am loads of fun. 

 Putting myself in new situations and stepping out of my comfort zone has never been the top of my "fun things to do" list. Surprisingly though, eating out in a restaurant alone was exhilarating. It was fun to do something new, and know that I overcame and grew out of that anxiety. I can't say eating alone will be something I do often, but I can say that I am no longer afraid to do it. My mom frequently likes to remind me that I came in this world alone, I will die alone, so I shouldn't ever be afraid to be alone. I finally understand and I realized it's not about being independent or relying on others. It's about being confident in yourself  and ok with enjoying your own company, without being afraid to be by yourself. I have a feeling this experience is the start of something new. Who knows what else I can accomplish now? I might get wild and crazy, and go to a movie by myself, something else I feel is out of the social norm, and something I have never had the guts to do. Or maybe I'll start out smaller and order dessert before my meal. That's taboo, right? It's not exactly edgy or badass, but it is breaking the norm I think. It is all about baby steps after all. 

-Jaxx

Lessons From Blogging

By now, I'm sure most of you have realized that I say exactly how I feel about whatever comes to my mind and that nothing is off limits, including vaginal flatulence. If you haven't noticed, then maybe you should go back and reread since I've now pointed out the obvious. I'm not afraid of talking about my life and my experiences, because I know that someone, somewhere, has gone through or is going through what I wrote about. If they haven't, then go ahead and get a laugh at my expense. At least my posts have served a purpose. I got into writing a blog because I felt like I had something to say that was worth hearing, and to connect with others through the written word. I never thought I would learn and grow from writing a blog. But, it has been such an exciting experience so far, and I want to share with you all what exactly I've learned. Here it goes:


1. If it's something you truly enjoy, don't let anyone discourage you from doing it. It's what makes you happy, and that's all that matters

2. Not everyone is going to like what you post, and you have to be ok with that. Everything I post is MY opinion. No one elses. Not everyone is going to agree with what I have to say or the way I say it, and that's fine. I will keep writing, you don't have to keep reading. 

3. Don't be afraid of silence. If you were to see me in public, and I was alone, I most likely have headphones in my ears. I never was comfortable with silence. Especially with my own thoughts. Silence gave way to my worries, and gave me anxiety. So I flooded my head with constant music to hide from. But, blogging has helped me realize that I don't need to hide. Embrace it, and find a way to write it out.

4. It's ok to stray from the beaten path. I grew up thinking I could never do anything other than what people expect of me. I now know that the only thing that matters is what I expect from myself. I expect only the best and to be successful in whatever I choose. So, I know that I will be just fine. I don't need to follow anyone else's life plan but mine.

5. You can't be perfect overnight. Blogging takes time and work. It's something that I take pride in, but I know I'm not perfect. I'm just a novice who's learning along the way. When I first began, I had these huge expectations of myself to be able to blog everyday and stay on top of every project I took on. I forgot that I'm human, and these things takes time. 

6. Learn from the criticism. I used to hate when someone criticized my work, but now I crave it. As long as it's constructive, I want to hear it. I never want to be stuck and never grow as a writer. 


This is only the beginning of my blogging journey. I know I have much more to learn, but I think I'm doing ok so far. I can't imagine where blogging will take me, but I'm loving it so far. 

-Jaxx