Table For One Please: Part Two

Walking into the cafe and finding a seat, my waiter meets me. First thing he asks, "Are you by yourself ma'am?" I see we are already off to a good start by announcing my lack of companion.Choking down my sarcasm defense mechanism, I confidently say yes, I am alone. A flutter of elation surged through me as I said it. "I'm really doing this. I am eating alone", I thought. As the waiter takes my order, he removes the extra place setting, which made my "aloneness" even more prominent and final. After I order, I really get to take in my surroundings for the first time as a single patron in a restaurant. The usual anxieties try to scratch their way in, wondering what I'm supposed to do now? There's no one to talk to. There's no one to occupy your time until the food arrives, but it's nice so far, despite the tinge of nerves. 

Typing away writing this post, I'm enjoying the buzzing of the appliances, the clatter of the silver wear, and the sounds of the conversations in Italian the waiters are having. Two more customers come in and I feel a little bit more alone. Instantly, in my head  I wonder, "Are they judging me? Do they think I'm pathetic because I'm eating by myself?" That sparks another thought in me. Why is it when we see people eating in public alone, we think or assume that they are sad and/or lonely? Is it really so far out the norm that we believe something negative about the situation? Unfortunately, I am very guilty of this. When I see someone eat alone, I usually think "Are they lonely? Do they have friends? Are they sad because they are eating alone?" I instantly pity the person. Which is wrong of me. They, like me at this very moment, could be doing it by choice. Who knows? It's nice not having to be required to carry conversation. I can eat and be left alone to relax and just not think for a while. I don't have to pretend to care about who said what about someone, some new fad diet, or some other god awful example. I just simply get to eat and enjoy my company, and let me tell you, I am loads of fun. 

 Putting myself in new situations and stepping out of my comfort zone has never been the top of my "fun things to do" list. Surprisingly though, eating out in a restaurant alone was exhilarating. It was fun to do something new, and know that I overcame and grew out of that anxiety. I can't say eating alone will be something I do often, but I can say that I am no longer afraid to do it. My mom frequently likes to remind me that I came in this world alone, I will die alone, so I shouldn't ever be afraid to be alone. I finally understand and I realized it's not about being independent or relying on others. It's about being confident in yourself  and ok with enjoying your own company, without being afraid to be by yourself. I have a feeling this experience is the start of something new. Who knows what else I can accomplish now? I might get wild and crazy, and go to a movie by myself, something else I feel is out of the social norm, and something I have never had the guts to do. Or maybe I'll start out smaller and order dessert before my meal. That's taboo, right? It's not exactly edgy or badass, but it is breaking the norm I think. It is all about baby steps after all. 

-Jaxx

Table For One Please: Part One

One thing I have always took pride in, is my independence. I never felt I truly needed anyone, because I could do things on my own. That was what I believed until this morning, when I realized I may not be as independent as I thought. Running late for work, I forgot to pack my lunch, causing me to go out for my afternoon sustenance. So, as I sit in my little cubicle, I try to decide where I want to eat. All I can think of is eating pizza at my favorite Italian cafe (let's face it, Italian food is delicious). So the 'where' in my dilemma is solved, now to move on to the 'who' , as in who am I going to go to lunch with. Then it hit me. I have never gone out to eat alone. Sure, I've ordered 'to-go' and then eaten in my car by myself, or have eaten in the break room alone, but never sat down in a restaurant and eaten alone. That's always seemed to be a partner or group activity to me, and looked so lonely for those I saw who did eat alone. How could I call myself truly independent, but be unable to go out and do something as simple as eating alone in a restaurant? I couldn't. 

I can not in good conscience, allow myself to continue this pattern. It's good to be able to go out and do things, without having to rely on people to do them with, and to know that I am confident enough to do them alone. People wont always be around, or available to be there when you need them to be, so I should be able to do them on my own. So garçon, table for one please. Yes, the one by the window will be fine. I will be breaking out of my comfort zone today and eating alone in my favorite cafe. This is the first step into my adventure of stepping out of my comfort zone. Stay tuned...

-Jaxx