Busy Being Aloof

These past couple of weeks, I have felt blocked. I have had writer’s constipation. I didn’t know what to write, or even how to make the words come out the right way. There are so many words that exist in the world and yet, I couldn’t find the right words in the right order, to say exactly what I wanted to say. Is it logical to say that I’m scared of that? Does it make sense to say that I’m scared of not being understood, or being able to explain EXACTLY how I feel and EXACTLY what I mean? That’s a scary feeling. But then again, I think it’s fair to feel the way I feel at the moment. To be in this state of….aloofness.  A lot has been going on in my life and I feel at a loss on how to even begin to really write about it. Nothing sounds good. Nothing sounds blog worthy. I have ill grandparents and a relationship more or less rocky. Get a grip right? Yeah I know.  With that, I didn’t and still don’t know exactly know what to say. To feel distant from everything, and unable to get a good grasp on how I feel. The only word I can use to describe is: Aloof. Even with my aloofness, it’s not fair to me to not try. I don’t want to run away from writing because of my emotional chaos. I know that in times of chaos, on paper or rather on screen, that tsunami you thought you were dealing with is more like a small ripple. Pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, I will try to let my words flow…

It’s hard to see someone you love not doing well and still isn’t willing to change their lifestyle in order to get better. My grandparents’ health is failing, and yet they do nothing to better themselves. My maternal grandfather could have a heart attack any moment and not know it until its too late, due to his neuropathy caused by his out of wack diabetes. My paternal grandmother, also a diabetic, went into ketoacidosis because she wasn’t eating and wouldn’t take her insulin. She ended up falling in her home, and no one knew until 6 ours later. Partly, I’m angry. I’m angry at the fact that my grandfather and my grandmother aren’t willing to do better health wise. I’m angry that my uncles and aunts aren’t more willing to pull their weight. Im angry because my mom feels like it’s her burden to carry. I’m angry at myself because I have no solution. I don’t have advice or the answer to the problem. To feel all of that anger towards something that I can’t fix or change makes me feel incredibly lost and sad. Overwhelming emotions that I don’t feel equipped to deal with. It’s hard to see my mother run down because of the responsibilities weighing down on her, and me unable to help. How am I, a “Miss Fix It”, to deal with that? How am I supposed to be the pillar of strength when I don’t even feel strong enough to deal with my own emotions? I just want a firm grasp on what to do and how to deal with everything. Where the hell is my how to for dummies guide???

With the unfamiliar feeling of not being in control of my feelings, I feel totally and completely lost in my relationship with C.K. Nothing ever worth having is ever easy. I understand and believe in that cliché. But is it supposed to be this hard? I also believe wholeheartedly that I love and am in love with him. But as of late, we’ve been arguing more than loving. Little things he does, bothers me. It bothers me more than I think it should, but I just can’t let it go. And then who feels like an asshole? Me. I feel bad for getting irritated, and he get all mopey because he feels like a disappointment. Then, I try to make him feel better and discount my feelings because I don’t want him turning into a Sad Sam. So I suck up how I feel in order to ensure his feelings aren’t hurt. That’s not fair. It’s not fair that I feel like I have to be strong in dealing with my emotions because I don’t think the other person is strong enough to handle exactly how I feel, which brings me back to my fear of not being understood exactly how I feel, and not being able to explain exactly how I feel. Feeling lost in what to do, and no one really to turn to, we almost came to an end on Christmas Eve. What a way to start the holiday right? We are in tears, arguing, fighting to be heard, and trying to figure out what to do, we feel defeated. We both love each other beyond compare. We don’t know if there is a future with us, but we don’t want us to end. In the end, in an act of selfishness or selflessness, we are still together. We are selfishly selflessly holding onto each other because we know it would shatter us to not be together and we don’t want to go through and put the other through that pain. So, together we walk through the rain to find the sunshine. We hold out on hope that this is not the end for us.

I wish I knew the answers. I wish I had the perfect words to say that held the truth that everything will be ok. I don’t know what I am supposed to do, and that is a rarity. I am a problem solver. I always know what to do or how to do it. But in this circumstance, I don’t. But, someone with wise words told me, “Sometimes not knowing the answers, not knowing what to do, and what to say gives you a chance to find your way”. I know that not always will I be able to say EXACTLY how I feel and mean. But, I also know that I can’t be afraid to try. I won’t always have the answers. I won’t always know what to do, and that sometimes it’s ok to be in a state of aloofness. Pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, I let my words flow. I missed writing, and I am glad I chose to work through the chaos of my emotions. I’m not exactly free from my writers constipation, but I’ve had my mental Activia, so I think I’m getting back to regular. This post isn’t entirely for you, the reader. It’s more for me, the writer. This has been a therapeutic post for me. But hey, why not let a few people into my world to see the mess behind my done up face? Don’t mind me. I'm just busy being aloof. 

Until next time,

Jaxx