"I Forgot"

Let’s just lay it all out there. I'm putting my cards on the table to admit to you my most embarrassing trait. I am a chronic forgetter. My phone is full of notes to self's, and I don’t remember a day (See? Forgetful) when my mother hasn't needed to remind me to turn on the dishwasher. If I was an action hero, my catchphrase would be, “I forgot.” My mind is usually in the clouds or thinking  a million different thoughts, that a lot of everyday things escape me. I am not proud that I am forgetful. In fact, I hate that I am. I hate the look of disappointment I receive when I utter those two pathetic words conceding to my forgetfulness. Especially, when I have no substantial or even remotely epic story to back up the reason as to why I forgot. It’s absolutely maddening. I hate that niggling feeling in the back of my mind teasing me, because I knew I forgot something that may or may not be important. Honestly, if that niggling feeling was a person, it would be the know-it-all in the classroom/workplace that no one liked because they were a braggart about their know-it-all-ness, but would never help you when you asked. The jerk. 


If I am not being reminded, if it’s not blatantly in my face, or if its importance isn't expressed, that thing you asked me to do or not do/get etc PROBABLY won’t happen when you ask me the first time. And for that, I apologize. I know my forgetfulness is a less than desirable trait; and I am working to do better with paying attention more to the people and things around me. I am trying to stay “present”. With my new practice, I am noticing things I normally would have missed or forgotten. Last night was prime example of that. 



I have a 14 year old brother. Like most teens, he likes to think/act like he is older than he is; and like most boys, he likes to hide his emotions deep down inside to appear manly and not at all “little kid” like. Im talking Mariana Trench deep. That is 1,580 miles deep of hidden emotion. To see him uncontrollably upset is a rarity, and to see him cry is even more so. With that, I forget (there goes that word again) that he is a kid, despite how much he acts like he is not. Last night, he got upset over an incident and tried his hardest to not let that dam of manhood break. Despite his efforts, in the first time in years, I saw him cry.


It was in that moment, when I found him hiding behind his bedroom door, eyes red from crying, and face so childlike and full of innocence; when I remembered that he is in fact, a child. Moving through day to day life and seeing him as that pesky brother who doesn't know the meaning of “leave me alone”; I forget that he goes through things too. As much as he refuses to admit, he goes through pain and is still learning how to deal with it. Usually in my mind Id think, “He’s a big boy, he’ll be fine.” It’s so easy to brush it off with that statement. It’s easy, but not fair. It’s easy to forget that the people we care about go through things like you do and to forget that they too, are human.


What usually only took an Urkel-like sheepish smile to be forgiven for my habitual oversights, will no longer get me a pass. To continue to let things fly over my head because I forgot, will no longer do. Although daydreaming and living in "Jaxxtopia" is awesome; I have to learn to be a better adult, daughter, sister, friend, and overall person. I'm trading mental checklists for a physical one. Reminders are being set in my phone, and I am working on being an active person in the present. I just need to remember to do them (oh the irony to remember to do the things to help me remember). Mom, if you're reading this....I forgot to turn on the dishwasher. Hey, Rome wasn't built in a day. Baby steps people.


-Jaxx