"I Forgot"

Let’s just lay it all out there. I'm putting my cards on the table to admit to you my most embarrassing trait. I am a chronic forgetter. My phone is full of notes to self's, and I don’t remember a day (See? Forgetful) when my mother hasn't needed to remind me to turn on the dishwasher. If I was an action hero, my catchphrase would be, “I forgot.” My mind is usually in the clouds or thinking  a million different thoughts, that a lot of everyday things escape me. I am not proud that I am forgetful. In fact, I hate that I am. I hate the look of disappointment I receive when I utter those two pathetic words conceding to my forgetfulness. Especially, when I have no substantial or even remotely epic story to back up the reason as to why I forgot. It’s absolutely maddening. I hate that niggling feeling in the back of my mind teasing me, because I knew I forgot something that may or may not be important. Honestly, if that niggling feeling was a person, it would be the know-it-all in the classroom/workplace that no one liked because they were a braggart about their know-it-all-ness, but would never help you when you asked. The jerk. 


If I am not being reminded, if it’s not blatantly in my face, or if its importance isn't expressed, that thing you asked me to do or not do/get etc PROBABLY won’t happen when you ask me the first time. And for that, I apologize. I know my forgetfulness is a less than desirable trait; and I am working to do better with paying attention more to the people and things around me. I am trying to stay “present”. With my new practice, I am noticing things I normally would have missed or forgotten. Last night was prime example of that. 



I have a 14 year old brother. Like most teens, he likes to think/act like he is older than he is; and like most boys, he likes to hide his emotions deep down inside to appear manly and not at all “little kid” like. Im talking Mariana Trench deep. That is 1,580 miles deep of hidden emotion. To see him uncontrollably upset is a rarity, and to see him cry is even more so. With that, I forget (there goes that word again) that he is a kid, despite how much he acts like he is not. Last night, he got upset over an incident and tried his hardest to not let that dam of manhood break. Despite his efforts, in the first time in years, I saw him cry.


It was in that moment, when I found him hiding behind his bedroom door, eyes red from crying, and face so childlike and full of innocence; when I remembered that he is in fact, a child. Moving through day to day life and seeing him as that pesky brother who doesn't know the meaning of “leave me alone”; I forget that he goes through things too. As much as he refuses to admit, he goes through pain and is still learning how to deal with it. Usually in my mind Id think, “He’s a big boy, he’ll be fine.” It’s so easy to brush it off with that statement. It’s easy, but not fair. It’s easy to forget that the people we care about go through things like you do and to forget that they too, are human.


What usually only took an Urkel-like sheepish smile to be forgiven for my habitual oversights, will no longer get me a pass. To continue to let things fly over my head because I forgot, will no longer do. Although daydreaming and living in "Jaxxtopia" is awesome; I have to learn to be a better adult, daughter, sister, friend, and overall person. I'm trading mental checklists for a physical one. Reminders are being set in my phone, and I am working on being an active person in the present. I just need to remember to do them (oh the irony to remember to do the things to help me remember). Mom, if you're reading this....I forgot to turn on the dishwasher. Hey, Rome wasn't built in a day. Baby steps people.


-Jaxx 

My Name Is Jaxx, And I Am A Tree

“Nothing is holier; nothing is more exemplary than a beautiful, strong tree. When a tree is cut down and reveals its naked death-wound to the sun, one can read its whole history in the luminous, inscribed disk of its trunk: in the rings of its years, its scars, all the struggle, all the suffering, all the sickness, all the happiness and prosperity stand truly written, the narrow years and the luxurious years, the attacks withstood, the storms endured. And every young farm boy knows that the hardest and noblest wood has the narrowest rings, that high on the mountains and in continuing danger the most indestructible, the strongest, the ideal trees grow.” -Herman Hesse, a German-Swiss poet

If you could pick one thing in nature, what would you say that you are? Maybe an ocean because of its seemingly endless depths and unpredictability? Or maybe a mountain, because of its ruggedness and majestic nature? I was asked this answer through a friend of mine who was taking a silly magazine quiz. At first thought, I laughed it off saying I wouldn't know what part of nature I would be. After a few days passed, the question popped up in my mind. After taking an inordinate amount of time thinking about my response to this ridiculous quiz, I think I have found my answer. Just call me Grandmother Willow, because I am a tree. Unfortunately, my height is not on that list of reasons since I only clock in at 5’6, but what does make the list makes me think of trees, and me, in a new light.

Ever since I was a child, I loved to learn. Book in hand; I would spew off any type of knowledge that I had learned always preluding it with “did you know?” Over the years, my knowledge grew and my views on the world broadened. I see the world for what it is, what it was, and what it could be. I am realistic, as well as optimistic, in life. Through my love of learning, I have grown to be a person with an open mind and a gift of understanding.  I had advice to give to whoever asked for it, and a listening ear to those who needed to express themselves. Whatever they needed, I provided. Because of that ability, people gravitate toward me for their needs. Like a tree, I stand tall weathering all that comes at me, and continue to provide support and shade from the harshness of life. I love being a tree. It makes me feel needed, sought for, and gives me a sense of purpose. But what happens to a tree when people continue to take from it, never stopping once to see what the tree needs? It starts to breakdown, splinter, fall. A lot of people assume that because trees are so big and strong, they don’t need to help them with their needs. People assume, because I help and care for them, I am strong enough to care for myself.

Unlike a tree, I have a voice. I am able to say that I need to be cared for. Most of the time, I feel emotionally drained because of how many people need me, and ask for more than I can give. I should be able to express that right? Even though I have a voice, I don’t use it. What kind of tree would I be if I let the slightest of harsh winds cause me to bend? I might as well be tumbleweed. I have not broken, splintered, or fallen. I continue to stay strong and be there for who needs me most. There will be days when I want to stand alone and let others do for themselves, but at the end of the day, I am still a tree. I continue to be there to provide, should anyone need me. That’s just who I am. So, like a tree, I stay silent.  One day, my rings will be the wrinkles on my face. There will be laugh lines and worry lines. They will be my story. They will show that I have truly lived life. Maybe my answer wasn't what the quiz was looking for, but for now, it will have to do.

-Jaxx

It All Starts With "Famous No One"

With the help of a friend, the Famous No One name is now expanding to a brand. It is on its way to becoming a site that is more than a blog. I am creating a name that will be a positive force in the community with the goal to give back and make a difference. The plan is to join charities and volunteer through my brand, as well as reach out to people who wants their voice to be out there. Marketing and selling products with the Famous No One logo, I and supporters will be able to give a percentage of the profit to the charities we feel will benefit through our aid, and use the rest towards getting the name out there and to inspire the masses. Famous No One, isn't just me making a difference, it's for everyone that feels like they can't do something because they aren't famous and/or rich. Their voice will be out there. They will have a chance to make a difference. It all starts with Famous No One. 

Wish me luck! I hope to gain your support once we are up and running! 

-Jaxx

My Inner Old Lady: The Birthday Recovery

Where are the days when you could be out all night and all weekend with your friends having a blasty blast, and being able to show up to work the next day with the only evidence of your wild night/weekend were just the pictures and memories? Where has it gone? It’s lost in the year 2013 like my 21st birthday, and my high tolerance for weekend recovery. But now, the evidence of my 22nd birthday weekend is all over me like white on rice. Sleep deprived, sore muscled, and pale, I walk into work after a birthday weekend full of the circus, indoor skydiving, and a comedy show. I feel like 3 days road kill and I am pretty sure I look like it too. As I type, I am looking longingly at my orange juice and Red Bull cocktail (yes I know it’s not good for me, hold the unsolicited opinions please) I have concocted to get me through the morning…and afternoon. I am definitely not 21 anymore people. I have officially been kicked out of the “Bounce Back” club. I just don’t recover like I used to. I’m that old stretched out rubber band that is still kind of good, but you’d much rather use that nice new stretchy eye-putter-outer rubber band because I might break at any minute. I’m on the slow sad road of being older and more responsible. I know, I know. I know you are thinking I am being quite dramatic, and most likely you are right. But, I can not help that I feel like poo on a hot summer’s day: gross, smelly, and frankly, a bit shitty.

Looking back on my year, I know that I definitely took advantage of my youth. I didn’t take it for granted or let it go to waste. I know I am still young in the aspect of age and appearances, but inside I feel like I am older than my years. Inside, I’m some old lady that wears muumuus because they are so dang comfortable and has the urge to tell younger people “back in the day” stories. I’ve experienced most of the things I have wanted to experience and experienced things I definitely wish I could have skipped. So in appreciation of my youth and in respect to my inner old lady, I am going take this year to slow down. I’m not as young as I used to be. There is only so much I can put my body through before I really start seeing the negative affects. I want to live a long life full of smiles and laughter, not grimaces and winces. My inner old lady agrees; it’s time to take a beat. What’s the point in rushing? I want to take my time to truly appreciate the moments and the building of memories while I can. I want to be able to tell them in vivid detail, instead of a crazy whirlwind of memory flashes. So for the time being, I am in search of a hobby that will quell my hunger for adventure. Maybe I will start planning an adventure for the future. How does a cross country road trip sound? Yeah...I think it sounds pretty stellar too. 



    Elderly and adventurously yours, Jaxx

The Time My Playing Nurse Fantasy Was Ruined

C.K and I have been sick with colds for a while now. I am almost completely over mine, thanks to me taking necessary precautions and medication. He, however, was getting progressively worse. I was confused as to why he wasn't getting better, but after a conversation the other night, I figured out why. This is the conversation between C.K and I the other night over a cold that he has now had for almost a week:

C.K: I feel really ill and fatigued

Me: What are your symptoms?

C.K: Sore throat, sinus pressure, fatigue, minor cough

Me: Then you probably need some Dayquil cold and flu, or the one for sinuses

C.K: as for the fatigue? Just some rest?

Me: (to myself I want to shout “DUH!!!”, but Im not rude) Yes, you need to rest up. No gym, more iron and protein rich foods along with vitamin C and B

At this point, I am wondering why he is asking me this. Shouldn’t he know this already? It’s been a week! He should already be doing this. But then I thought, “Oh wait, he’s a guy. Never mind.”

Me: Also, more water intake, less milk. It causes more phlegm build up; and socks on at all times.

I say the socks comment thinking CLEARLY, he must know to have socks on because he is sick, his bedroom floor is concrete, and its FREAKING COLD OUTSIDE due to this thing called WINTER. Surely, he must be wearing socks. Oh, how I was so wrong.

C.K: Oh, I better go put some on then.

Me: …..please tell me you turned off your giant fan.

C.K: I guess I need to turn it off?

Me: *insert face palm* yes, why would have a fan on and you are cold and sick???

C.K: Ok ok….how about clothing…..should I be fully clothed, or are boxers and a shirt ok?

Me: *frustrated silence* Fully. Clothed.

Guys, you see what I am working with here? DO YOU SEE?? I’ve always had fantasies of role playing and playing nurse, but now I could give two farts in a jar about that. There is absolutely no way that will happen anytime soon. I need time to get over the trauma I have experienced. Never in my life have I ever been so frustrated and mad at the fact that he did not know anything about taking care of himself when he is sick, that if you put a cape on me, I guess you could say that I was SUPER mad (Yeah, I just threw that pun in there). Although I was very frustrated that he lacked the common knowledge, I understand. He doesn’t get sick often, so how is he really to know? That and the fact that he is a guy and common sense sometimes escapes them like air out of a balloon.

I was in the health academy in high school; I am a certified first responder, and currently studying to take my emergency medical technician certification in February. Obviously, I have higher knowledge than he when it comes to health. Besides my credentials, I am just a person who likes to always be prepared for any situation at hand that may require my knowledge. You could say that I am a bit of a “know-it-all”. I don’t ever like going into things blindly, so it’s always nice to have information at the ready. So, in a circumstance when my boyfriend is at a loss with how to take care of himself, it takes every fiber in my being to shout, “HOW DO YOU NOT KNOW THIS?? “ But, because I am not a complete asshole, I don’t. Because domestic violence is wrong, and he is quite sensitive (despite the fact he does MMA), I won’t bop him upside the head and say, “You could have had a V8” either.

I am slowly coming to grips that C.K does not think the way I do. I can not make him think more like me, because he is not me. He isn’t hardwired to retain and learn like I am. I am always reading and researching new things that are of immediate or future use, because I hunger for learning. He is the type of person that if it does not occur, or directly affect him, he doesn’t think about it. And that’s ok for him. I can’t get mad at him for being 100% the person he is. I can not get mad that he doesn’t have the same interests in learning like I do. That’s not fair to either of us, and it's counterproductive. Instead, I will educate him for the next time he gets sick so I do not have to repeat this nightmare. Hopefully by then, I will have recovered from the trauma of his lack of knowledge, and we can get that nurse fantasy back in motion. 

-Jaxx 

I Was Born Full Of Shit...Obligatory Birthday Post

This is going to be a weird one....prepare yourself for unfiltered weirdness...


22 years ago, a star was born....probably. I don't know, I'm not an astrophysicist. But, what I do know is I was born too; in a pretty stellar fashion I might add. Who else knows how to make their grand entrance to the world more memorable than inhaling their own poo besides me? Yes, yes, how gross of me to say, but I was a newborn so relax. If nothing else, I am honest and unashamed. Crying first is so overrated. Coming into this world full of crap (pun intended) is the way to go. So, 22 years later and I'm here saying happy birthday to me, and thank you to all who are wishing me a happy birthday and/or spending the weekend with me to make it more special than some dust and rock becoming fused together into a star. 

-Jaxx

The Loss Of A "Friendship"

Whenever I used to think of the loss of someone, I would equate it with missing someone who has passed away. Before yesterday, I never thought I would mourn the loss of a friend and a friendship that wasn’t really there. How do you mourn the loss of a living person? To lose someone that was a part of your life for so long and then they aren’t anymore is hard, whether they passed away or are no longer involved in your life. Knowing that they are somewhere in this world, but you will never really know how they are doing, isn’t something I prepared to deal with. Did she ever get around to watching season 4 of The Walking Dead? Did she ever go get that dress that she’s been eyeing? Or did she ever find the love she’s been searching for? I will probably never get the answers to those questions. I suppose it will be ok though. I know that what I chose to do was for the best. We haven’t been true friends for a long time now; I think we both knew that, but continued on for the sake of the “friendship”. Our type of friendship has been slowly dying out, and I couldn’t stand to suffer until the inevitable end, so I ended it now. We have been hanging out less and less, and our correspondence became more infrequent. Sure, we made efforts, but it just wasn’t the same anymore.

We aren’t the same girls we were back in high school. We don’t have the same goals in life. I am on the constant search to better myself and grow as a person, but she’s content in her life. I can’t be content anymore. I can’t be content in being a sometime friend, only there out of convenience and availability. I am more than that, and I deserve better. Emotionally and mentally drained, I mourn the loss of a friend. I mourn the loss of a friendship that I never really had. Healing takes time, and I know that I will be ok. I have the support and love from my other friends. I know that going our separate ways is good for us, and maybe someday down the line we can reconnect and be friends again. For now, I think I will allow myself a little retail therapy (don’t judge me) and maybe treat myself to red velvet cake ice cream when I get home. Yeah, that sounds like a plan.