Busy Being Aloof

These past couple of weeks, I have felt blocked. I have had writer’s constipation. I didn’t know what to write, or even how to make the words come out the right way. There are so many words that exist in the world and yet, I couldn’t find the right words in the right order, to say exactly what I wanted to say. Is it logical to say that I’m scared of that? Does it make sense to say that I’m scared of not being understood, or being able to explain EXACTLY how I feel and EXACTLY what I mean? That’s a scary feeling. But then again, I think it’s fair to feel the way I feel at the moment. To be in this state of….aloofness.  A lot has been going on in my life and I feel at a loss on how to even begin to really write about it. Nothing sounds good. Nothing sounds blog worthy. I have ill grandparents and a relationship more or less rocky. Get a grip right? Yeah I know.  With that, I didn’t and still don’t know exactly know what to say. To feel distant from everything, and unable to get a good grasp on how I feel. The only word I can use to describe is: Aloof. Even with my aloofness, it’s not fair to me to not try. I don’t want to run away from writing because of my emotional chaos. I know that in times of chaos, on paper or rather on screen, that tsunami you thought you were dealing with is more like a small ripple. Pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, I will try to let my words flow…

It’s hard to see someone you love not doing well and still isn’t willing to change their lifestyle in order to get better. My grandparents’ health is failing, and yet they do nothing to better themselves. My maternal grandfather could have a heart attack any moment and not know it until its too late, due to his neuropathy caused by his out of wack diabetes. My paternal grandmother, also a diabetic, went into ketoacidosis because she wasn’t eating and wouldn’t take her insulin. She ended up falling in her home, and no one knew until 6 ours later. Partly, I’m angry. I’m angry at the fact that my grandfather and my grandmother aren’t willing to do better health wise. I’m angry that my uncles and aunts aren’t more willing to pull their weight. Im angry because my mom feels like it’s her burden to carry. I’m angry at myself because I have no solution. I don’t have advice or the answer to the problem. To feel all of that anger towards something that I can’t fix or change makes me feel incredibly lost and sad. Overwhelming emotions that I don’t feel equipped to deal with. It’s hard to see my mother run down because of the responsibilities weighing down on her, and me unable to help. How am I, a “Miss Fix It”, to deal with that? How am I supposed to be the pillar of strength when I don’t even feel strong enough to deal with my own emotions? I just want a firm grasp on what to do and how to deal with everything. Where the hell is my how to for dummies guide???

With the unfamiliar feeling of not being in control of my feelings, I feel totally and completely lost in my relationship with C.K. Nothing ever worth having is ever easy. I understand and believe in that cliché. But is it supposed to be this hard? I also believe wholeheartedly that I love and am in love with him. But as of late, we’ve been arguing more than loving. Little things he does, bothers me. It bothers me more than I think it should, but I just can’t let it go. And then who feels like an asshole? Me. I feel bad for getting irritated, and he get all mopey because he feels like a disappointment. Then, I try to make him feel better and discount my feelings because I don’t want him turning into a Sad Sam. So I suck up how I feel in order to ensure his feelings aren’t hurt. That’s not fair. It’s not fair that I feel like I have to be strong in dealing with my emotions because I don’t think the other person is strong enough to handle exactly how I feel, which brings me back to my fear of not being understood exactly how I feel, and not being able to explain exactly how I feel. Feeling lost in what to do, and no one really to turn to, we almost came to an end on Christmas Eve. What a way to start the holiday right? We are in tears, arguing, fighting to be heard, and trying to figure out what to do, we feel defeated. We both love each other beyond compare. We don’t know if there is a future with us, but we don’t want us to end. In the end, in an act of selfishness or selflessness, we are still together. We are selfishly selflessly holding onto each other because we know it would shatter us to not be together and we don’t want to go through and put the other through that pain. So, together we walk through the rain to find the sunshine. We hold out on hope that this is not the end for us.

I wish I knew the answers. I wish I had the perfect words to say that held the truth that everything will be ok. I don’t know what I am supposed to do, and that is a rarity. I am a problem solver. I always know what to do or how to do it. But in this circumstance, I don’t. But, someone with wise words told me, “Sometimes not knowing the answers, not knowing what to do, and what to say gives you a chance to find your way”. I know that not always will I be able to say EXACTLY how I feel and mean. But, I also know that I can’t be afraid to try. I won’t always have the answers. I won’t always know what to do, and that sometimes it’s ok to be in a state of aloofness. Pen to paper, fingers to keyboard, I let my words flow. I missed writing, and I am glad I chose to work through the chaos of my emotions. I’m not exactly free from my writers constipation, but I’ve had my mental Activia, so I think I’m getting back to regular. This post isn’t entirely for you, the reader. It’s more for me, the writer. This has been a therapeutic post for me. But hey, why not let a few people into my world to see the mess behind my done up face? Don’t mind me. I'm just busy being aloof. 

Until next time,

Jaxx

Big Girl In A Tiny Waist World

Look Ma!! I'm fashionable!! 

Being a big girl in a tiny waist world, it seems like there isn't a lot out there for a size 16 to fit into without looking like a sack of potatoes or a can of busted biscuits. Like that food analogy? Yeah, I thought you might.  I'm a girl that is besties with food, and is known to never turn away a good Italian meal. Damn you carbs. Although I have love for all things delicious, I'm on good terms with the gym. I embrace by curves, but value fitness. But what is out there for a girl my size, that is fashionable and doesn't cost me selling my soul or taking out a loan to pay for an extra yard of fabric? Calm down, don't think so hard, I can see your brain smoking. I know there aren't a lot of affordable places that caters to my fantabulous body of curves, and that's the price I pay for being in love with food. But, there is one thing in this wonderfully fashionable world that doesn't have a size limit. It's a one size fits all, made for everyone item. If you were thinking handbags, you are a very smart cookie (oh look another food analogy), but if you WEREN'T thinking handbags, let me explain. 

Steve Madden...oh how I adore thee

Purses are a gift from the fashion gods, and I feel are personally meant for me. When I go to the store to find something beautiful to wear, I don't have to go to the plus size section and endure the torture to find something that isn't too tight, looks like something my grandmother would wear, or just isn't down right ugly. I can strut with confidence right to the handbags and enter heaven. They aren't telling me that I'm not thin enough to rock them.They tell me that I'm just right. I'm perfectly imperfect, and purses accept that.There isn't any rifling through the rack hoping that they're your size and then praying they fit correctly, because you know it will fit like a dream. You dont' have to ask,"Does this make me look pregnant? If I suck it in all day, this MIGHT look ok. Maybe, I'll wear Spanx and just not eat all day.I don't like being able to breathe anyway." There's only, "Do I want a long shoulder strap? Red leather or tan? Pattern print or solid color?"  Whether it's a Betsey Johnson, Steve Madden, Nine West, or Michael Kors, it doesn't matter. Any woman, any shape or size, can wear them with pride. 

 

I love how I feel when I have a new bag on my shoulder. I don't feel like the elephant in the room anymore. I feel transformed into a trendy women who's in charge with a sexy bag. With a nice bag, all is right with the world. Do I sound a little crazy about bags? If I do, that's ok. Buying handbags are my healthy/unhealthy vice. Everyone has their vices, so who is anyone to judge? There isn't fashionable clothing out there for everyone, but there is a bag for everyone. On days when you do feel like a busted can of biscuits, it's ok. Pull out your nice bag, throw on something you feel comfortable in, and strut. And you know what? Go ahead and eat a cinnamon roll while you're at it. I'm not judging, and neither is your handbag. 

-Jaxx

"It's Complicated"

Everyone knows that love is complicated. Love goes hand in hand with life, so it is never meant to be easy. Love is selfishly unselfish, because of the love,care, and effort that we, the individual needs to put in the relationship for the other person, while also making sure we are getting what we need. If a person in the relationship is unwilling, or unable to provide that, go ahead and changed your relationship status along with your idea of love and relationships to "It's Complicated".   

(if you couldn't tell by now, I love ecards)

To keep relationships healthy and love a little less complicated, there's a lot the individual in the relationship, needs to sacrifice. Simple things like dumping the bad eating habits, sacrificing your hearing by going to karaoke Tuesdays, or even your spot on the couch ( unless your name is Dr.Sheldon Cooper, then that doesn't apply) . I am slowly learning that along with the small things, there are larger things that need to be sacrificed too, in order to keep your relationship from deteriorating and falling into that dreaded "It's Complicated" status.

My sacrifice is my pride. It took me a while to be able to admit that because...well, because of my pride, ironically. In the past, my pride has been my downfall in a lot of relationships, where all could have been solved by me sucking it up and saying two monosyllable words: "I'm sorry." My refusal to put my pride away to say sorry was due to me associating "I'm sorry" to admitting I was wrong, when I believed I wasn't. But now I see that, that is not the case. Like all lessons I've learned in my life, I've learned  the truth the hard way. 

In an argument today with my boyfriend, we both said some mean things to each other in the heat of the moment. We both have tempers like no other and a loose filter that gets us into more trouble than necessary. But, I will admit, I tend to be worse than him when it comes to a lack of filter, like today when my filterless mouth lead me to say things I shouldn't have, and then ignore the argument completely. Naturally, that resulted in the silent treatment from the both of us. Yes, I know it was childish, spare me the parental comments. 

After two hours of our silence, I couldn't take it. I missed my boyfriend and best friend. I hated knowing he was mad at me. I knew I had to suck up my pride and...apologize. But, I didn't feel like I was wrong. So why should I be the one to apologize?? Shouldn't he have to apologize too? Before I could work myself back up into a tizzy, I finally understood. It's not about admitting that he was right and I was wrong, it's about saying sorry for how I made him feel and how I said things. I could have expressed myself differently and said things in a better way.  I had to let go of my pride to realize that being right isn't important. I hurt the feelings of someone I love. My pride no longer mattered. So for the sake of him and our relationship, I surrendered my pride and apologized, and we kissed and made up like a good boy and girl should. 

 

Sacrifices comes in all shapes in sizes within relationships. But, one should never sacrifice more than the other, just to keep a relationship afloat. Everything is give and take, so one can't be expected to keep giving parts of themselves, and getting nothing in return.  Like life, love needs balance. My boyfriend and I know, and understand that now. We aren't perfect, but we are willing to learn from our mistakes. Love will always remain complicated, but that doesn't mean our relationship has to be. Love is a test of wills, and we are determined to pass with flying colors. 

-Jaxx